Welcome back to my blog 🙋
2 posts in one day okay!!
Weight is a really touchy subject, especially for women. If you’re not too skinny you’re too fat or not thick enough in the ‘right places’. Society has made standards that everybody wants to meet and it may be affecting our mental health and self esteem. I don’t comment on random people’s weight because they just might be insecure about it and I don’t want to be a trigger for people who are struggling because people do struggle with this thing called weight. It’s a major insecurity most women battle with.
If you’re not my close friend and I do not know where you stand or how you feel about your weight, I’ll keep my comments to myself as you should too. Body shaming is not nice at all. And not only fat people go through body shaming even slim people do and it’s just as bad.
I remember having comments like “you eat too much, where is all the food going? Why are you so skinny, are you sick? You’re so skinny, breeze can blow you down” thrown at me. And the ultimate memory was when people would wrap their index finger and thumb around your wrist, and if they can touch their fingers perfectly then you’re too skinny.
I had a conversation with my mum today and it just made me realize that I’ve fully accepted my weight though it’s still a journey and there’ll be days I feel skeptical and still have doubts about my look but the ability to take that thought out as quickly as it comes and not dwell on it is what makes me different now. I use those comments that I used to hate to joke with myself around friends because I’m no longer crazy about adding weight and I’ve accepted myself as I am.
As a little girl, I was really chubby and the fattest of all my sisters (I said all like I have many😂. I have just 2 sisters, but you get the gist) and now we’re grown, I’m the slimmest amongst the three of us. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I don’t, that’s why it’s a journey.
There was a time when I really wanted to add weight. That was 2 years after leaving secondary school. The feeling was the worst while I was in secondary school because I would watch my mates would undergo puberty changes and I’ll just be there, wearing clothes that I had to get tailored many times just so it’s my size. How I even had my size of skirt was a miracle. I remember being called to take my measurements so slim people like me can have their sizes. I comforted myself with the fact that I was in boarding school and wasn’t getting to eat as much as I should.
But the craze was after I left secondary school because I went to school from home for the first year and I was eating a lot. That’s when I knew that it wasn’t because I wasn’t eating much and it’s just the way my body wants to be. 2 years ago, I decided that I wanted to intentionally add weight and I read that you can add weight by exercising and eating a lot but I ended up just eating a lot because this girl cannot kill herself. Exercising is a lot and it was so painful, I couldn’t even carry myself for some of the exercises I needed to do so I stuck to just eating intentionally and still no improvement. Well, I didn’t expect one but still.
It was then that I knew that I should just let it be. I’m really slim but I’m not underweight and I’m a healthy child so that’s what should matter. My main concern used to be my protruding clavicles/collar bones. It used to make me look and feel sickly. But now I really love them and even though I feel they’re not as pronounced as before, I’ve come to accept them as part of me. I had a roommate last year who was as slim as me or a little bit slimmer, because she’s taller so it’s more noticeable. The way she was so comfortable with her weight and the way she dresses made me remove any residual doubts I had concerning my weight and now I’m completely free from having to wish I could add some more weight with the amount of food I’m eating.
Oh, there are bad days. The days when I see beautiful clothes but they’re not my size and I can’t wear some because they’ll look weird on me cause I don’t have enough flesh in my body or when I can’t wear a fitted dress cause I’ll feel too straight in it.
And there are good days. The days when I wear clothes that are really my size and I get to appreciate my body because what? I’m a spec! God took his time to create me and I can’t be undermining what God created because He makes no mistakes.
The days when I can grab a t-shirt from my siblings even though it would be bigger than me and knowing they can’t wear mine because it would be small on them.
Or the days when I can go out without a bra😂. Not everybody can afford this luxury(we all know why). Or when I don’t have to what I eat because it will make me gain unnecessary weight. Please bring all the unwanted foods my way. I usually bully anybody around me who complains that they genuinely want to loose weight for their food . I love eating because why not?
I see myself as a foodie, but I’m a selected foodie. My sister who is fatter than me would always say I eat more than her but it is what it is🤷.
We’ve stayed at home for 4 months and I don’t look so much different but I know I’ve added a little little bit of weight because one of my trousers I use to know if I’ve added weight is now a little bit tighter. I’m now struggling to button up the trousers. Me??? Adding weight? Maybe quarantine has been good after all. I’m even beginning to nurse a small stomach bump but we reject it because I have to keep up with my slim girls rep.
If you want to add weight or loose weight, do it for you and not because you want to be like someone else. The truth is that most body shamers have low self-esteem and want to bring down others just so they can feel better. Your present body is someone else’s body goal and your present weight is someone else’s weight goal so don’t be hard on yourself.
It feels good to exercise though. Minus the pains I experience post exercise, it brings a good feeling knowing that I’m doing it for self care.
A gentle reminder that it this self love that everybody claims to have won’t happen overnight. It’s a journey and you’ll learn new things everyday. There would be ups and downs but it’s worth it at the end.
I really hope this post was not all over the place. There are so many things running through my mind and I sort of lack coordination at times. It’s from my mind after all. I hope I actually made sense and one slim girl gets to love herself the more because you’re beautiful.
Thanks for reading.